I first started this blog because I missed writing them on my Myspace page. I had a few of them up. They ranged from Volkswagen commercial complaints, to making fun of American Idol and goofing on soccer. But it wasn't all bitching and moaning. I had some fun with football super fans, posted hot beach volleyball chicks for the guys (and girls if some of you ladies are so inclined) and talked about Star Wars. I was looking on my old Myspace page and all of the blogs were gone. The site doesn't even look the same. I think it's become a radio website now. I'm not even sure. But even though Myspace is gone, for the most part, I'm going to re-hash and update an old blog that only a few of you have probably read, thanks to Myspace's demise.
"Let me tell you about Blingees and layout generators."
But back to the topic at hand, Star Wars. Ahh, Star Wars. To guys my age, from 1977 to 1983 Star Wars was life. Nearly every day there was Star Wars to be played. Running around the neighborhood with X-Wing fighters. Lightsaber duels with whiffle ball bats. Waiting for winter to break out the Snowspeeders and AT-AT's. The first spring lawn mowing where the old Toro mower finds that Snowtrooper left in the snowbank before you do. Such good times. And everyone had their favorites. Most guys dug Han Solo, the few girls who would play were into the Leia of course and a select few, like me, were Luke fans. I always heard "Han is so cool", "Han has the best lines", "Solo gets the girl" along with "Luke's a whiner" and "Luke wishes he was Han Solo." Well folks, here's the deal, Han Solo was a total fuck up and Luke and his friends were lucky to survive him.
"Who, me?"
I know it's coming. The fanboys are losing their shit as these words sink into their frontal lobes. "Are you kidding?" "Luke's a fucking pussy!" "Star Trek fan!" I've heard it all before. It doesn't make me any less right though. During the first movie it was easy to be the Luke fan. Luke was the hero by a long shot. Luke blew up the Death Star. Luke got a lightsaber. Luke flew an X-wing instead of Han Solo's stupid station wagon of a ship and blew up TIE fighters. Being a Luke fan was easy. But then came 'Empire', and everybody jumped ship and hopped on the Han Solo train. Han got a ton more screen time, the coolest lines and the girl. But I had faith. I knew Luke was destined for greater things. Man, was I ever right.
""You do know this Sean guy is full of shit, farm boy?"
I'll start with the first movie, 'A New Hope'. It wasn't real obvious at first. Luke was doing all of the hero shit, blowing up space stations and enemy fighters by the bunch. He was the guy who had the inside track to the Force. He was given a sword made of pure energy and every kid in the world wanted one. Han, for the most part, just complained. Complained about the trip to Alderaan. Complained about the tractor beam. Complained about the rescuing the princess. Complained about the attack on the Death Star. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Luke on the other hand, Aunt and Uncle killed? No sweat, let's save the Princess. Han doesn't want to go to Alderaan? Fuck him, I can fly a ship. Found the Princess' cell block? Get me a rifle. Giant space station? Give me a god-damned fighter! Dude was getting shit done.
"But Sean, if Han doesn't come back during the trench run Luke is toast." Guess what? Bullshit. Follow me on this one. Han is flying above the trench with a perfect view of Luke being chased down by Vader and his two wingmen. No one is near him. He has time to line up the perfect shot. Han leads his target perfectly. He pulls the trigger and blows up ONE OF THE FUCKING WINGMEN? This dude is supposed to be some savvy space pirate. A bad ass in a daddy vest. But he doesn't shoot the lead TIE fighter with the slick custom wing job, the one doing all of the shooting? He decides "Maybe I'll work my way up to the guy blowing up all of the rebel ships." If not for an edgy second wingman shitting his pants and clipping Vader's ship, Luke is space dust.
Now 'Empire' is where the Han Solo camp exploded. It was hard to argue as to why. Leia was all over him. He had the funniest lines in the whole trilogy. He drew a gun on Vader. All pretty solid stuff. Luke even needed Han to come to his rescue and turn him into a tauntaun burrito. But after thawing out, taking a dip in power steering fluid and getting a kiss that turned out to be very awkward at the closing credits Luke manages to take out a seven story tank with only his lightsaber, a grenade and his brass balls. The rest of the movie Luke was basically relegated to being bossed around by a Muppet Show cast off, sweating in a tank top and playing in the mud. But in true Han Solo fashion, he fucks things up again.
After successfully navigating an asteroid field, he makes a pit stop in the belly of a giant worm. He doesn't know this, and that's okay. But upon inspection of the soft, squishy rock he landed in, he gets a weird feeling that something may not be quite right. He knows it's not a rock he's landed on. Safest thing to do is take off and get somewhere safer. So what does he do? He fires a blaster bolt into the 'ground' and they almost become lunch. Then the one guy he decides to go to for help is a guy that has an axe to grind for a perceived ship theft. What kind of moron goes to a known hustler for help, especially if that hustler has the same set of scruples as the aforementioned moron? Han Solo, that's the kind of moron. Thankfully he was frozen solid before he could find a way to blow Bespin up from the inside slaughtering all of the city's inhabitants. So here we go again. Luke uses the force to find out his friends are in trouble, goes to face Vader unprepared, loses his hand and nearly his life. Nice work Solo.
"And this is just my first day on the job."
"But Sean, if Han doesn't come back during the trench run Luke is toast." Guess what? Bullshit. Follow me on this one. Han is flying above the trench with a perfect view of Luke being chased down by Vader and his two wingmen. No one is near him. He has time to line up the perfect shot. Han leads his target perfectly. He pulls the trigger and blows up ONE OF THE FUCKING WINGMEN? This dude is supposed to be some savvy space pirate. A bad ass in a daddy vest. But he doesn't shoot the lead TIE fighter with the slick custom wing job, the one doing all of the shooting? He decides "Maybe I'll work my way up to the guy blowing up all of the rebel ships." If not for an edgy second wingman shitting his pants and clipping Vader's ship, Luke is space dust.
"Alright, so one little mistake."
Now 'Empire' is where the Han Solo camp exploded. It was hard to argue as to why. Leia was all over him. He had the funniest lines in the whole trilogy. He drew a gun on Vader. All pretty solid stuff. Luke even needed Han to come to his rescue and turn him into a tauntaun burrito. But after thawing out, taking a dip in power steering fluid and getting a kiss that turned out to be very awkward at the closing credits Luke manages to take out a seven story tank with only his lightsaber, a grenade and his brass balls. The rest of the movie Luke was basically relegated to being bossed around by a Muppet Show cast off, sweating in a tank top and playing in the mud. But in true Han Solo fashion, he fucks things up again.
"The Empire has a thing for weak points."
After successfully navigating an asteroid field, he makes a pit stop in the belly of a giant worm. He doesn't know this, and that's okay. But upon inspection of the soft, squishy rock he landed in, he gets a weird feeling that something may not be quite right. He knows it's not a rock he's landed on. Safest thing to do is take off and get somewhere safer. So what does he do? He fires a blaster bolt into the 'ground' and they almost become lunch. Then the one guy he decides to go to for help is a guy that has an axe to grind for a perceived ship theft. What kind of moron goes to a known hustler for help, especially if that hustler has the same set of scruples as the aforementioned moron? Han Solo, that's the kind of moron. Thankfully he was frozen solid before he could find a way to blow Bespin up from the inside slaughtering all of the city's inhabitants. So here we go again. Luke uses the force to find out his friends are in trouble, goes to face Vader unprepared, loses his hand and nearly his life. Nice work Solo.
"No one's perfect, right?"
The last movie of the trilogy cements Solo's status as 'King of the Screw-Ups' for the Star Wars universe. While hanging in Jabba the Hutt's throne room as a wall decoration, the safest place for every other character in the movie, we find Luke has become a full fledged bad ass, mind controlling, laser sword wielding Jedi Knight. Not sure if it's the Yoda Summer School/ Jedi GED equivalent, but he's got the sheepskin apparently. Luke, playing chess while everyone around him is playing checkers, strolls into Jabba's palace like he owns the joint. No lightsaber, no blaster, just some ninja pajamas and a burlap bathrobe. He pulls the old Jedi mind trick on the crime lord's right hand man, kills a fucking dinosaur with a bleached femur and skull and frees everybody on Jabba's sand barge while hardly breaking a sweat. Han on the other hand is bumbling around like an extra in a Buster Keaton film doing everything but helping. He does kill Boba Fett, but even the staunchest Han Solo supporter feels that one of the coolest characters in the entire Star Wars universe deserved a better death than the Wile E. Coyote demise he got from Solo.
We move on to Endor where we find Han is put in charge of the ground assault. No better place for a space pirate to volunteer than for the ground mission, right? Jesus. Han's first chance to sneak up on some Imperials and he pulls the old 'steps on a stick' routine and the bad guys almost get away. Who's there to mop up? Skywalker Cleaning Services, that's who. So while Luke and Leia are chasing down and destroying his screw-up, what's Han doing with a platoon of rebel soldiers? Prepping for an assault? Scouting for the bunker? Nope, just sitting on his ass. During the hunt for Leia the crew gets captured by a colony of teddy bears because Solo's over grown Teddy Ruxpin can't control his appetite.
"And I thought my lightsaber was cool looking."
We move on to Endor where we find Han is put in charge of the ground assault. No better place for a space pirate to volunteer than for the ground mission, right? Jesus. Han's first chance to sneak up on some Imperials and he pulls the old 'steps on a stick' routine and the bad guys almost get away. Who's there to mop up? Skywalker Cleaning Services, that's who. So while Luke and Leia are chasing down and destroying his screw-up, what's Han doing with a platoon of rebel soldiers? Prepping for an assault? Scouting for the bunker? Nope, just sitting on his ass. During the hunt for Leia the crew gets captured by a colony of teddy bears because Solo's over grown Teddy Ruxpin can't control his appetite.
"He doesn't hang out with me for my cooking."
Before before being turned into rebel burgers for the ewok village feast, Luke uses the force to persuade the tiny furballs that this meal may not be worth the trouble. Quite literally pulling Han's fat out of the fryer. The real hero goes off to face Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine and an entire Death Star full of Imperials alone (again) while Han goes off into the woods with his girlfriend to play with a cadre of stunted yetis. It must have been this moment that Solo realized that his attraction to Leia was because of some underlying furry-fetish they both shared.
"Okay, but they leave their spears outside of the bedroom."
Now the final showdown is about to take place. Han and his plush toy army are set to take on what seem to be the worst soldiers the Emperor can drum up and Luke to face down two Sith Lords single handed. By studying the brief history I've laid out for you, we can see this train coming down the tracks. Luke resists the lure of untold power and defeats Darth Vader in lightsaber combat, after a brief dance with the dark side himself. Appeals to what little good is left inside of his father and has Anakin redeem himself by destroying the Palpatine. Drags the elder Skywalker to the hangar bay and flies them both to safety before the space station is destroyed.
"All in a day's work, bitches."
Han on the other walks into yet another trap, locks the entire rebel platoon out of the targeted bunker and gets his girlfriend shot after she saves his skin yet again. If it weren't for his pet/hetero-lifemate Chewbaccca and a couple of ewoks stealing a goddamned scout transport, the shield generator never gets destroyed and the rebellion dies a painful death. The only life lessons you're going to learn from Han Solo is to not worry about the consequences because someone with more skill and conviction will be around to fix any problems you have created with your "Ignore the problem, it'll go away" attitude. So am I uncool for being in the Luke Skywalker camp? Maybe. But, I'll back the guy with the lightsaber and Jedi powers over the pilot with a ship that never works and a truly deplorable skill set every time.
Problem solving 101.
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